Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Bill-do the Weirdo: Round Deux

Well, well, well, we all thought we had heard the last from Bill-do the Weirdo, but oh no fellow blog readers, do not fear! We have not heard the last from this fine fellow.

One would think the repeated embarassment of un-returned text messages, phone calls, emails, could possibly result in the termination of communication with said party that refuses to return any form of communication you throw at her, but OH NO!, Bill-do PTI's (powers through it - yea Carls) like the complete freakshow that he is. Let me entertain you all with the email that assaulted my eyes Monday morning....

So I come into work to an army of emails as I usally do on Monday mornings. Although, this Monday was particularly brutal as I had back to back meetings, to dos, requests and was barely getting the chance to catch up. It wasn't until 5:30 pm did I discover this little gem that had alluded me in my inbox all day. This email is so absurd it is truly beyond words, hence why I am just going to share it with you all....

Hey Heels,
I can’t stop thinking about how I mishandled Friday night. I really wish I did so many things different the simplest of which would have been to just let you go out with your friends by yourself after what was a nice dinner. You can’t blame me for wanting to be with you though. I think you are a beautiful, wonderful, caring girl that values her friends and family just as much as I do. When you were describing your friendships, you commented that you were “fiercely close.” It struck a chord with me as just 2 days earlier my father had described me with the same adjective in a note. Look…

(STAY WITH ME --- this is heels. Below is the email that he PASTED into the email he sent me that originially HIS FATHER had sent to him, I told you, I can't make this shit up, continue reading...)

----- Forwarded Message ----
From:Bill-do the Weirdo's Dad
To:Bill-do the Weirdo
Sent: Tuesday, January 20, 2009 10:00:38 PM
Subject: 27

Dear Bill-
Happy Birthday. 27. Wow! I am very proud of you, Bill. You are a great example to our family of commitment and courage.I know that you are very thoughtful and that you keep a lot to yourself. I know that you are resolute in your convictions and fiercely loyal.Those are all good things.We are a stronger family because of you and your devoted love of your Mother. Pray to her, Bill that she guide you and petition for you. She knows what we all need. She is there.S he will never leave you. I am proud of you. I am thankful for you and I love you with all my heart.

(OH NO this email tragedy is not over, don't leave me yet, he CONTINUES with his email below commenting on the dad email HE pasted ABOVE into HIS email that he sent to ME, please continue reading...)

I get that and I respect that. I think we are very similar in nature and have a lot in common and I want to know you better. But you’re right I wasn’t on your page and I would like to better understand what you are looking for at this point in your life. I know you might read this and maybe think I am really nuts and should just walk away but it’s worth the risk of you thinking that for me to express this to you. I think you are just too special to just walk away without really trying, apologizing and having you know how I feel. Please think about it. Have fun at the FBR this week, I hope you have an awesome time and change your mind about golf and change your mind about me too. J Let me know if you do.

~Bill-do the Weirdo
(and YES, he did use the "~" to sign off his email, which should immediately disqualify him as a heterosexual)

PEOPLE...I have literally known this kid for a hot 6 HOURS, if that. I mean, COME ON, in math terms that's 360 minutes, 21,600 seconds, basically a red headed slut compared to a shot of Jame-o, means. absolutely. nothing.

To be honest though, beneath this cold, bitter, bitchy exterior lies a softer heels who actually finished reading the email and was overwhelmed by just feeling plain bad for this kid. I mean this type of obsession/psychotic-ness/fixation, couldn't make me run faster, but this kid is obviously so out of touch with reality that I feel like I'm dealing with Andy Dick in his post Newsradio days when everything was just downhill and if he wasn't peeing on someone at a bar he was found passed out in a gay strip club with two pesos and a shot of cognac glued to his face.

So I'm going to turn the question to all of you, what would you have done if you received an email like this?

I'll let you know what I chose to do (besides immediately filing for a restraining order) in the next post, so stay tuned.

No one's getting out alive,


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