Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Now unless you're blacked out like Amy Winehouse and have been living on a remote Caribbean island to heal your heroin scars, I would hope by now that you are aware of the Snuggie. It esentially looks like Lord Voldemort's cloak, except instead of it housing a a nose-less demon, it can keep you, Bobby, Billy Sue and Ginger Ann warm for only $19.99. It also comes in three stylish colors like Burgandy, Royal Blue and Sage Green so if you didn't think you were hideous enough swathed in polyester cotton, you can look like a giant period stain, cookie monster or a booger, simply smashing. It's the most absurd thing I have ever seen since it is essentially a bath robe put on backwards. It reminds me of the kids from my high school who used to wear their backpacks on their front instead of their back to give off the look that they are pregnant, socially inept or both. It made me want to punch them in the face, I feel the same way about people who wear the Snuggie.
And now, coming to a Chicago-land area bar near you is the Snuggie Bar Crawl which is the only thing that could actually break my disdain for the Snuggie.
Alcohol -- Check
Costumes -- Check
Looking hideous in costumes -- Check
Blacking out while looking hideous in costumes -- Check and Double Check
Count me in!
No one's getting out alive,
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
We have a treat in store for you today fellow hVSf readers, we have our first official guest blog post! “Red Cowboy Boots” is a fellow hVSf fan and wanted to share with us some advice she wishes she would have known when she was our age. Red Cowboy Boots is a beautiful, kick-ass, take no prisoners 40 year-old woman who has more than a few life insights to share, 20 in fact.
As shoe styles change from when you are a tween wearing sketchers to a high schooler in your first set of heels to early 20’s in your chic, knee high boots, so does your perspective and things you wish you would have known. Being two 20 something year-olds, this advice certainly hit a note with us (personally I find myself moisturizing a little more often than I used to). So listen up because with age comes wisdom indeed.
- You only get one set of tires for all those miles you’re gonna put on… save the killer heels for special occasions or there will come a time when the only thing you can wear are cowboy boots. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but they don’t go with a LBD like a 4” pair of cockroach killing stilettos.
- The skin of your décolletage is the thinnest on your body. ALWAYS wear sunscreen on your chest. Sun-damaged, saggy and wrinkly cleavage at the age of 70…sure. Beginning when you’re 35? Not so cool.
- If you want to put out on the first date…go for it. If he really likes you, it won’t matter. 90% of my “relationships” started with a one-night stand. Random drunken bar hook-ups with complete strangers? I can honestly say I regret at LEAST 90% of them.
- Cleanse & moisturize your face and neck every morning and every night.
- Pride – noun: a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one’s position or character; self-respect; self-esteem. If he hasn’t called you yet, it’s because he doesn’t want to. Please don’t call him.
- Never get drunk at work or at a work function. If your boss isn’t drinking, for any reason other than pregnancy, then neither should you (Nope, not even the office holiday party). You wanna get your drink on? Go out with your friends.
- Tell your parents you love them every single time you see them, whether or not “that’s not how they are.” You never know if the last time you see them will be the last time you’ll see them.
- You know that awesome “I’m the only one in the whole world that’s ever felt this kind of love” love? Well, everybody feels it and it never lasts forever. How could it? We’d never get any work done. That being said, make sure you’re in it for love and not just for lust. If everybody you know tells you that you’re moving too fast, you are moving too fast.
- Oil of Olay works as well as or better than any other moisturizer on the market and Vaseline petroleum jelly rubbed onto the thin skin around your eyes and on your eyelids at night is a magical thing. Trust me.
- Jealousy & insecurity is a waste of time; confidence is sexy as all hell.
- Women remember EVERYTHING, whether they want to or not. Men remember nothing. Don’t take it personally.
- If you ask somebody enough times if they’re cheating on you, they will cheat on you.
- Don’t assume that just because somebody works FOR you that they’re less educated, intelligent or experienced than you are. I’ve managed million dollar offices across the country, put in my 70 hour work weeks, brought home the elusive 6 figure income, I’ve even hired and fired the best of them. So how did I end up taking direction from 23-year olds? It’s a choice…life is too short to work so hard.
- Thin DOES taste better.
- A 2-litre bottle of regular Coca Cola or a half-gallon of bleach poured down your drain will clear a clog better than any liquid union worker in a bottle.
- Were there too many smokers at your party? Place a couple dishes of white vinegar around your crib; unless your roommate is a chronic chain-smoker, the odor should be gone within 24 hours.
- Chicago is a windy city but don’t you look adorable in that little skirt? WHOA!!! Wear bike shorts under your skirt/dress until you get to the office so you’re not walking around with your arms and hands pressed against your thighs for 8 blocks. That just looks silly.
- You really shouldn’t complain about your age/weight/salary to somebody who is older/heavier/less successful than you are.
- Ex-boyfriends are ex-boyfriends for a reason. NEVER look back because they NEVER change. Unless of course you marry them, then they TOTALLY change. For the worse.
- Guess what? You’re going to be 40 someday too.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Sunday night I received two messages from my dear friend in Boise, Idaho! Yes, I do know people who live in Idaho, please don’t ask me why. She has been married for almost three years, yes we do live in different worlds. However, for three years every time I talked to her I asked her if she was pregnant, half joking and half serious. Well ladies and gents, my question's finally been answered. My dear “J” is expecting a little bundle of joy this August. While I’ve been asking the question for years, I apparently wasn't prepared for her to say yes. I was in the kitchen making dinner and I dropped both my knife and my jaw. A child!!!!!!!! A teeny little baby!!!!!!!!! A kid!!!!!!!!! Are you F*ing kidding me???
This is serious, people!! This isn’t like, whoops I got knocked up, what do I do? This was a pre-meditated act. They discussed having a kid, she went off birth control and then BAM, impregnated! She is a little over three months and can feel the little bugger moving around in there, yikes!
Once upon a time when we were fresh out of HS, not a day older than 19, "J" and I were roommates in beautiful Eugene, Oregon (ahhh, we’ll save that for another time. Before Miami of Ohio spit me out, I did dabble in some other activities). We shared a house right on the edge of campus with four other girls and had the time of our life, bitching about the rain and how much we hated Oregon. She was obsessed with pink, smoked more than Snoop and we spent our days sitting on the front steps drinking rum and coke, somewhere in between we did manage to make it to class. One night I broke her window, by accident, and she was a little over-served, that it wasn’t until the next morning she realized she had no window and had slept with glass all over her floor, whoops!
SHE was having a baby, never mind already married, with her Masters, teaching elementary school and living in a 3-bedroom house in Boise!! My world literally had flipped on its axis. How were we the same age? Why was I starting to feel like I was so behind the game? In August, my oldest friend in the world is getting married, “J” is having a baby and I am turning 26!!!! Was it time to hang up my dancing shoes and start leaving the bars before last call and the lights came on?
Tonight I was at work until 7:30, I ate a can of Healthy Choice light soup for lunch and let’s be real, I’m probably going home to watch the stupid Grey’s/Private Practice “cross-over event.” I’m painfully single, not even sure I could pay someone to take me out on a date, have an allergic reaction to children and anything related to pregnancy, I’m not clean or tidy, I don’t do my dishes or laundry often. I’ve been known to buy new socks when I run out rather than cleaning them. Who on earth is going to marry me? Will I be Katherine Heigl, always the bridesmaid, never the bride? Maybe I have Peter Pan syndrome, and I’m doomed to NeverNever Land to live with the lost boys and defeat Captain Hook.
Either way, get ready for the next few months. August is going to be a big, BIG month and we’re going to have to do some recon work.
Attraction is not a choice,
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
It was while pondering these thoughts that I realized I am engaged in a full, fledged gchat affair. Not from my end what so ever, but from this guy, let's call him Tokyo, who has a girlfriend and gchats me like it's going out of style. I met this guy a few months ago when he had his current girlfriend. They were having some troubles and after the 3rd or 4th night of hanging out he tried to kiss me. Knowing he has a girlfriend I quickly dodged away from him and ran inside.
Since that awkward.com moment he has refused to go more than one day without talking to me through gchat. To make things even stranger, he doesn't live in Chicago and has tossed around the idea of coming to visit me to which I quickly replied with a resounding, "Ummm totes no way."
Now that I have a boyfriend, it has almost upped the antee of his gchirting. It's like everything AZ does for me, Tokyo has to explain how he not only did it for his girlfriend, but he did it 10x better. "AZ sent you a dozen roses on Valentine's Day, well I sent my girlfriend TWO dozen roses." "AZ is taking you on a trip, well I'm taking my girlfriend around the world."
I mean come on buddy?! I don't get it, what are you trying to prove? Do you want to wooo me through gchat? Do you escape your pathetic relationship by living vicariously through our gchat banter?
I mean, I get it, you're miserable, you don't like your girlfriend, but you're too co-dependent to dump her so you mindlessly flirt with anything that will pay attention to you because you have no other outlet to channel your un-satisfaction, but seriously find someone else to transfer your unhappiness onto.
Therefore, to remedy this little gchat bee buzzing in my ear, I realized that is why another miracle of modern technology exists: the gchat block.
So Tokyo, I'm sorry to say, but you've just been blizocked.
No one's getting out alive,
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I think that it is important to pause for a second and reflect on those that you love and I don't think that Valentine's Day needs to be all about your significant other, but to flats' point it should be about those who are in your life that you care about. Which is exactly why flats got a shout out drunk dial at midnight courtesy of Jack Daniels.
Usually, I don't have a Valentine so I'm typically all about that girl power, chicks before dicks sorta mantra, but this year I actually did have one. I am starting to see someone who lives in Arizona, we'll call him AZ for purposes of this blog. He used to live in Chicago so this wasn't some sort of MeetAnInmate.com type of situation. He actually is best friends with my cousin from high school I've known him for years.
Anywhoooo, now that I'm done justifying why in God's name I decided to partake in a long distace relationship, AZ actually won a free trip to Playa del Carmen, Mexico earlier this month. And when I say free I mean FREE, para libre, totes everything including, airfare, food, drinks (and not Coca-Cola people, any type of whiskey my liver desires), spa, golf, activities, it's absurd. Shit like this doesn't happen to me and only because it's 11 days away, and him and I talk about it everyday, do I actually believe that it's happening. Part of me kept thinking that whatever golden horseshoe enema I had received in my sleep would lose its charm because the whole thing seems way too good to be true.
Ultimately, though, it ended up that he does have to pay for part of the trip because of taxes or something like that, but he said instead of splitting it, this trip would just be my Valentine's Day present. Therefore on Valentine's Day because AZ, well, lives in AZ, and because of the aforementioned Mexico gift deal I really wasn't expecting anything. Even though I sound like a ridiculous teen, I really do love Valentine's Day and I wanted at least a card or something but I knew nothing was coming my way.
I started the morning by waking up to a text from my FSD wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day, which although incredibly sweet and thoughtful, was secretly hoping that the text would be from AZ. The night before S had been taken to a wonderful dinner at this awesome restaurant called Perennial with her boyfriend and shortly after waking up to FSD's text M got a dozen, beautiful red roses from her Grecian New York lover, so I knew that the romantic in me was going to be a little down since I couldn't even see AZ on the actual day. I decided to go get my hair done to take my mind off of things and by the time I was done with my hair I realized it was five o'clock and not one word out of AZ.
I don't think that I have unreasonably high expectations, and I think that hearing from your boyfriend on Valentine's Day should be kinda a given but I felt myself get more and more bummed as I didn't see my phone buzz with his name. Finally, at six I see my phone light up and its him. At that point I'm so annoyed I don't even want to answer. I was complaining to S about the situation just seconds before and she convinced me to pick up.
Immediately after I did, I regretted it because I knew that I was going to lose my temper as I heard his upbeat greeting as if there wasn't anything wrong with calling your long distance girlfriend at 6pm for the first time on Valentine's Day. Instead, I quickly told him I had to call him back for fear that I would rip him a new one and decided to re-group with S about how to handle it.
S thought I should just call him back and tell him straight up, yo, calling your gf as the sun sets is not kosher so I did just that. He took it in stride but his apology was a tad weak, knowing that I was growing more annoyed by the moment I tried to get off the phone. As I was saying my good byes, the door bell rang.
S ran to go and get it and was greeted by a small, Asian man who was grinning ear to ear. He shoved a giant vase of flowers in her hand and said "He love you." S quickly ripped out the card and realized the He was AZ and the flowers were for me. I couldn't believe that he actually sent them and that I had given him an earful of shit in my pathetic anti-Valentine's Day self loathing. Pretty comical to say the least.
The moral of the story is that Valentine's Day is not only about your significant other, whether you love or hate the holiday. If I wouldn't have been such a spazztastic prom queen about not getting flowers I probably would have enjoyed the day much more. Which is why I decided a night cap of drunk dials to besties and Jack on the rocks was a perfect way to kick cupid's ass for trying to bring a sista down.
No one's getting out alive,
Monday, February 16, 2009
Valentine’s Day was bombarding me, everywhere I looked there it was. First off, practically all my friends are in serious, monogamous, blah blah relationships, so they all had plans for Saturday night.
“30 Rock,” “90210” “Scrubs” and even “CSI” had stupid Valentine’s themes. Cupcakes and cookies were passed around at work on Friday, my mom sent me a V-Day package, my Dad and step mom called to wish me happy V-day, I got two emails from relatives and a vendor sent me a V-day card (don’t even get me started on how weird that was). Couples were walking down the street holding hands with grins from ear to ear; it was as if the sky was full of sunshine and skittles. My roommate is in Australia with her BF and the other received a ginormous bouquet of red roses that are sitting on our counter.
Yet with all this mushiness thrown in my face, I have to say it was one of the best V-days ever. You want to know why? Around 11:30 pm on Saturday night, heels drunk dialed me. Yes, that’s right, you heard me, heels drunk dialed me. I wish I could’ve taped it and played it for you all, because it was hands down the best 20-minute stream of consciousness I’ve ever heard. During the conversation she yelled at me for not going out, told me she missed me (even though she had just seen me at work the day before) then proceeded to tell me how much she loved me, had the dog talk to me and finally asked to be my flower girl in my wedding. Keep in mind I’m painfully single with no BF or wedding in sight, yet she just wanted to make sure she secured some place in the special day. I believe this was her exact quote, “I know I won’t be a bridesmaid or MOH (haha) but I think after everything we’ve been through I think I deserve to have a special role, maybe an usher, or I know YOUR FLOWER GIRL.” Never mind how weird it would be to have a flower girl past the age of seven, I couldn’t even talk I was laughing so hard. I assured her she could be my flower girl, for I was terrified for the reaction if I said no. She then tried to come pick me up in a cab so we could take shots and go to the bars.
I hadn't showered in 24 hours, had not had a sip of alcohol and it was already midnight, how on earth was I going to get out of this one. I finally convinced her that I was actually in a cab on my way to meet her at Kincaid’s, (so that I could get off the phone and go to bed) and she finally let me go!
Although, I have to admit, while I drifted off to sleep, I felt grateful for all my besties out there.
Attraction is not a choice,
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
No one's getting out alive,
Friday, February 6, 2009
For some the day is almost over, but today is National Go Red Day!! In support of the American Heart Association (a client) everyone at work is decked in red and it feels a little Christmasy. Yet, most everyone pulled through and the office is very cheerful!
Every Tuesday/Thursday we have a snack cart that makes its way around the floors offering fruit for free and a plethora of scrumptious candy! I’m not going to lie, it is a high point of my day. In honor of Go Red For Women, we had a special “Friday” snack cart loaded with dark chocolate and red wine, both very heart healthy!
For a $1 donation, you get a glass of merlot or cab and they deliver it straight to your desk. All the proceeds go to AHA, which provides heart healthy scans and medication to protect against heart disease. While it is 6:51 pm on a Friday and I am still at work, I’m not bitter at all. Probably because the left over wine is in the cube next to me and I’ve had a few glasses, mind you they're the size of Dixie cups, so in other words, I’ve had a couple shots of wine.
Yet, the ambiance this late at work is nice and relaxing and I have to think it’s because we’ve not only protected our heart today, but we’ve helped others as well. I know this post is more serous than normal, but I think it’s important to remember the significant things in life! It’s not always fun and games. So for the rest of you, when you get ready to go out tonight, throw on a red pashmina, or a red clutch, or even a red tie, I’m talking to you gentleman, and do your part to show support!
Attraction is not a choice,
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
From A-list to D-list I saw them all! Started the week off with the one and only Russell Simmons. To name a few I saw half of Mariah Carey, Michelle Trachtenberg (stupid Gossip Girl slut), Damien from Mean Girls – who is SOOOO much cuter in person, Aubrey O’day, Jeff Daniels, Paul Giamatti, Sam Rockwell, Seth Green, Emma Roberts, Pierce Brosnan, Chris Rock, Bill Hader, Kristen Wigg, Rachel Dratch, Kardashian sisters and Billy Bush. One of the first nights there I finally heard DJ AM spin, if you can I highly recommend, very impressive. Paris showed up and did a “loop” of the party. Surprisingly she looked normal despite the pictures that surfaced of her later in her pink "outfit."
While the above isn’t the most impressive, I saved the best for last. Drum Roll please, KRISTEN STEWART and AMY POEHLER. If you know me at all you know I’d give my left tit to meet Amy Poehler, as Baby Mama is my FAVORITE movie EVER. No joke, I might have an addiction, I’ve watched the thing 10+ times and could recite line for line. I’ve spent countless amounts of money on ON DEMAND watching it, I alone was helping the economy just by purchasing it. I mean who wouldn’t like basically two hours of improv with Amy and Tina, “ohhh-ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”
Then there was Kristen Stewart. I got to sit in on her interview with Access Hollywood and let’s just say it’s a good thing it was her and not Edward, as I def. didn’t trust myself being in such proximity to him. This calm and professional 25 year-old would’ve turned into rabid tween begging him to “bite me.” I could feel the blood pulsing through my body, maybe he would sense the increase in my heart beat and show up at my side ready to make me immortal.
Ok, ok, I know, I’m getting side tracked, it’s just so easy! My dream was to meet John Krasinski and I spent all 10 days on a psycho man-hunt for him. Everyone I was with had my number on speed dial and had strict instructions to act immediately and I would come running. I could already see it now, we meet, love at first site and he dumps that skinny twit Emily Blunt for me. “No John, you’re funny,” “No, flats, you’re funnier.” Yet, it never happened. He was aloof and probably got the memo that “psycho brunette from Chicago was on the loose and would stop at nothing to meet JIM.”
Clearly this post explains the below.
Attraction is not a choice,
Thanks for the email. I appreciate the kind words, but I struggle with what to say as I really don't want to lead you in the wrong direction. While Friday night was quite the experience, I don't see this relationship or friendship (whatever you make of it) going any further.
Please don't think this had anything to do with me just wanting to hang out with my friends on Friday (I live with them and see them daily), it is more a function of who I am and who you are. I just don't see us as a fit. Sorry if this is blunt, but I don't want this to carry on any further.
I wish you the best.
So I guess to all you guys out there who read this blog there are a few lessons to walk away from this with:
1) Berating females with multiple mediums of communication without any sort of reciprocation tyyyypically indicates that, "She's just not that into you."
2) Disclosing personal family emails does not endear women to you, it creeps them out and makes them go out to Home Depot and buy extra locks to install on their windows.
3) Writing a persuasive style email to a love interest enlisting the "reasons" you two should be together based off the ONE conversation you two have had is UNACCEPTABLE. period.
As I close the Bill-do the Weirdo chapter on my life, I'm starting to think that maybe I should start weeding out some of these guys and start focusing on the ones I actually like? Ahhh, I don't care what flats says, 23 or not, quarter life crises are hard to figure out! I guess only time will tell, maybe I have another 15 Bill-do the Weirdos headed my way?! On the bright side, I'll have new material for the next 3 years, on the down side my butt might become perma-clenched in an effort to stomach dates like these.
No one's getting out alive,
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
One would think the repeated embarassment of un-returned text messages, phone calls, emails, could possibly result in the termination of communication with said party that refuses to return any form of communication you throw at her, but OH NO!, Bill-do PTI's (powers through it - yea Carls) like the complete freakshow that he is. Let me entertain you all with the email that assaulted my eyes Monday morning....
So I come into work to an army of emails as I usally do on Monday mornings. Although, this Monday was particularly brutal as I had back to back meetings, to dos, requests and was barely getting the chance to catch up. It wasn't until 5:30 pm did I discover this little gem that had alluded me in my inbox all day. This email is so absurd it is truly beyond words, hence why I am just going to share it with you all....
I can’t stop thinking about how I mishandled Friday night. I really wish I did so many things different the simplest of which would have been to just let you go out with your friends by yourself after what was a nice dinner. You can’t blame me for wanting to be with you though. I think you are a beautiful, wonderful, caring girl that values her friends and family just as much as I do. When you were describing your friendships, you commented that you were “fiercely close.” It struck a chord with me as just 2 days earlier my father had described me with the same adjective in a note. Look…
(STAY WITH ME --- this is heels. Below is the email that he PASTED into the email he sent me that originially HIS FATHER had sent to him, I told you, I can't make this shit up, continue reading...)
----- Forwarded Message ----
From:Bill-do the Weirdo's Dad
To:Bill-do the Weirdo
Sent: Tuesday, January 20, 2009 10:00:38 PM
Happy Birthday. 27. Wow! I am very proud of you, Bill. You are a great example to our family of commitment and courage.I know that you are very thoughtful and that you keep a lot to yourself. I know that you are resolute in your convictions and fiercely loyal.Those are all good things.We are a stronger family because of you and your devoted love of your Mother. Pray to her, Bill that she guide you and petition for you. She knows what we all need. She is there.S he will never leave you. I am proud of you. I am thankful for you and I love you with all my heart.
(OH NO this email tragedy is not over, don't leave me yet, he CONTINUES with his email below commenting on the dad email HE pasted ABOVE into HIS email that he sent to ME, please continue reading...)
I get that and I respect that. I think we are very similar in nature and have a lot in common and I want to know you better. But you’re right I wasn’t on your page and I would like to better understand what you are looking for at this point in your life. I know you might read this and maybe think I am really nuts and should just walk away but it’s worth the risk of you thinking that for me to express this to you. I think you are just too special to just walk away without really trying, apologizing and having you know how I feel. Please think about it. Have fun at the FBR this week, I hope you have an awesome time and change your mind about golf and change your mind about me too. J Let me know if you do.
~Bill-do the Weirdo (and YES, he did use the "~" to sign off his email, which should immediately disqualify him as a heterosexual)
PEOPLE...I have literally known this kid for a hot 6 HOURS, if that. I mean, COME ON, in math terms that's 360 minutes, 21,600 seconds, basically a red headed slut compared to a shot of Jame-o, means. absolutely. nothing.
To be honest though, beneath this cold, bitter, bitchy exterior lies a softer heels who actually finished reading the email and was overwhelmed by just feeling plain bad for this kid. I mean this type of obsession/psychotic-ness/fixation, couldn't make me run faster, but this kid is obviously so out of touch with reality that I feel like I'm dealing with Andy Dick in his post Newsradio days when everything was just downhill and if he wasn't peeing on someone at a bar he was found passed out in a gay strip club with two pesos and a shot of cognac glued to his face.
So I'm going to turn the question to all of you, what would you have done if you received an email like this?
I'll let you know what I chose to do (besides immediately filing for a restraining order) in the next post, so stay tuned.
No one's getting out alive,